The Fourth Dimension

The Fourth Dimension

All right, all right, all right, everybody! [CHEERING] REVEREND MICKEY HOUSE: What up? What up? What up? Thank you guys for
coming out today. Most of you all know me from
running the Lotus Community Workshop here. I’ve been doing this
since 1978. ’78! And I go by the name of Reverend
Mickey House– in the house! All right, we got something
crazy special and super exciting for you guys today. So with great pleasure and
extreme fondness, I’d like to introduce to you today to
a man that needs no introduction, because he’s
saved so many lives. He’s touched so many lives. This man is a legend
amongst us, ya’ll! I don’t even know a greater
human being other than this guy. He’s so large, and he’s a
personal hero of mine. Please help me welcome my
friend and my mentor Val Kilmer, ya’ll! Give it up for Val Kilmer! [CHEERING] REVEREND MICKEY HOUSE: Yeah! Put it up for that man Val! VAL KILMER: Yeah! Woo! Woo! Woo! Some of you may know me,
may know my face. Cable television. [CHEERING] VAL KILMER: I have many,
many awards. I’m a consistent award winner. I’m a very well-known entity. I’m considered by most people
to be a great man. [CHEERING] VAL KILMER: You, on the
other hand, are not. You need my help? You, and you, and you, you’re
drowning in a cesspool of poverty and unemployment? You need me badly. You need me so badly that I feel
badly about how badly you really need me. You need me to light up the
sky for you, to be your beacon, to be your beacon
sparkler, to teach you awesome secrets– awesome secrets! Say it with me now! Awesome secrets! Awesome secrets! [CROWD CHANTING “AWESOME
SECRETS”] VAL KILMER: Awesome secrets! Awesome secrets! Awesome secrets! Awesome secrets, they
now come true! Awesome secrets, they
now come true! Awesome secrets, they
now come true! VAL KILMER: We’ve all been
assembled here today by a wonderful charity workshop, the
Lotus Community Workshop. It’s a non-profit for inner-city
people in need or real hard-luck cases. Sit down. Sit down, darling. Sit down. How do you get a piece of that
pie and still maintain a semblance of dignity? You know that. And I know that. It’s cool that I’m
here for you. FEMALE SPEAKER 1: I’m so happy
you’re here for me. I want you so bad. I want your baby. VAL KILMER: Sexy. [MAKING GUNSHOT NOISES] VAL KILMER: Hey. Been waiting long? FEMALE SPEAKER 2: No,
Just got here. You want to rent a video game? VAL KILMER: Cool. I’m just going to take
a minute now. Total silence. I’m going to take a minute to
examine everyone, the facial structures of the audience. [KISSES AUDIENCE MEMBER] VAL KILMER: A vibe jack. Total silence. [CLOCK TICKING] VAL KILMER: I’m not going to
speak for maybe 15 seconds. Oh, yeah. Yes, fantastic. A lot of criminals in
the audience today. I wasn’t expecting that
much criminal vibes. Woo, a bit mind-blowing. I’m not going to lie to you. A few of you look like you
could be on death row. [BUZZING NOISE] VAL KILMER: But do not worry. I’m not going to turn you in. You’re safe with me. There’s a new sheriff in town. I’m your protector now. When I was young, I was
also a delinquent. I stole things. I hurt people. I was born in a tin shack. Actually, I was born in
several tin shacks. I ran with kids who
were awful. [CHIMING NOISE] VAL KILMER: They had
pointy ears. They were more like demons than
actual human children. Scorched houses– I was into arson. I thought arson was cool. One day I was coming home
from school, and I saw an alien ship– [OOHS AND AHS] VAL KILMER: –hovering. It was a mothership. It was obviously a mothership. There were so many lights
on this ship. [CHIMING NOISE] VAL KILMER: It made
the sky sparkle. I’d never seen an alien
ship before. Oh, mama, mothership. Oh mama, mothership. Oh, mama mothership alien. Oh, mama mothership
alien ship. Mothership alien ship. Mothership alien ship. Can you see it? It’s like an alien ship. Can you see it? Look up! Look up! Sit down! Sit down! Sit down! Sit down! Look up! Sit down and look up! It wasn’t doing anything. Why aren’t you doing anything,
mothership? [BEEPING NOISE] VAL KILMER: What’s
going on here? Am I hallucinating? Is this a sign from God? Is it a movie set? Somebody forgot to tell
me I’m an extra in it. I started asking all these deep
philosophical questions, poignant questions. And then, just like that, the
alien ship just jacked off. Off to away from me. It was like a second, and
then it was gone. Disappeared and left
me with no answers. It evaporated into the
fourth dimension. I realized at that very
moment that life doesn’t have answers– doesn’t need answers. Life is a mothership. It hovers. [APPLAUSE] [MAKING NOISES] FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Kill freak! Kill freak! Kill freak! Kill freak! Kill freak! Kill freak! Kill freak! Kill freak! [BIRD NOISE] VAL KILMER: There was
kids on TV that were starving in Africa. [ELEPHANT NOISE] CROWD: Aww! VAL KILMER: I didn’t know
what to do, but the mothership was with me. [HARP NOISE] VAL KILMER: I felt speechless,
horrible. So I decided to write a song. Those kids, bum, bum, bum. Those kids, bum, bum, bum. They die from diarrhea. Those kids, bum, bum, bum. Those kids, they die. Ba-bum, ba-bum. From diarrhea. I sit at home and wonder
why they die from di– bum, bum, bum– di– bum, bum, bum– arrhea. I entered that song in a
contest, and I ended up winning money for it. [APPLAUSE] VAL KILMER: I turned that money
into gold bars, and I donated that money to Africa! And then I realized that I could
make a difference, which is why I made a DVD. You are so lucky for that. Come on in here for
the real thing. Woo! Woo! Trust me, trust me! MALE SPEAKER 1: I feel
I can trust you, Val! We trust you! FEMALE SPEAKER 2:
You seen this? VAL KILMER: No. FEMALE SPEAKER 2:
Looks shitty. I’ve seen all these. VAL KILMER: Have you seen
this one, Reach? FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Yeah. It was awful. Pick something funny. VAL KILMER: How many
of you like gold? Yeah! Woo! Invest in gold bars. Invest in gold. Get as many gold bars as you
can, and then bury them under your bathtub. As I’m saying this, forget
I’m saying it. But then, do it. Build a hidden safe-like contraption under your bathtub. Fill it up with gold bars. Don’t tell anyone. Don’t tell anyone your secret
code or your password. You lock it up. When you take a bath at night,
you’ll be sitting on a financial safety net. I’m talking to you robotic
so that it goes into your mind digital. 01010– I don’t know. You’ll be sitting
on a gold mine. [CHEERING] VAL KILMER: Woo! Yeah, cotton candy! FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Man, I don’t
even feel like watching a movie anymore. Let’s get a game. You ever play Kill Freak? I don’t even know if this
place would have it. You got Slaughter Haven? MALE SPEAKER 2: Mm-hm. FEMALE SPEAKER 2: What
about Kill Freak 2? MALE SPEAKER 2: Oh, yeah. FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Is it good? MALE SPEAKER 2: Oh,
it’s great. FEMALE SPEAKER 2:
Shit looks good. VAL KILMER: I want you to
be healthy and strong. I want you to be a century
old before you feel ankle pain or wrinkle. You need to last a long time. You need to lasso the moon! You need to be made
in America. If you’re not made in America,
get out, get out, get out! But you are made in America. If you’re all made in America,
you’ll make it in America! Make it in America! Some of you ride horses. Some of you ride horses. Stop riding horses. CROWD: What? VAL KILMER: It’s time
to find a job. Let’s all say that. It’s time to find a job! That’s right. Did you recognize me? Yeah, from movies,
probably, huh? Yeah, I’ve done that. But now I’m doing a whole kind
of a new thing, just reaching out to people and just
talking to them. A lot of times, the biggest
things in life are unexpected, right? Just seem to be random. And just like talking to you two
tonight, like, we had that experience. It just like nothing
else in the world. It’s like the most important
thing, suddenly. So I’m really happy
about that. And that’s something the Lotus
Community Center has given me. It’s like a real gift. Oh yeah, there was something
that happened that I could share with you. It’s really about the
fourth dimension. When I close my eyes, I can
see a kind of world like cotton candy, almost. It’s just light and fluffy. And there’s no more past, no
more future, no more convicts, no more out of work,
no more bad times. And I see it like a unity where
laughter heals, and we’re all a real family. Not a fake family, not
a fake religion family, but a real family. And it’s cotton candy-like. I see that cotton candy
all over the world. MALE SPEAKER 3: That’s cool. FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Let’s
get out of here. VAL KILMER: Adios. MALE SPEAKER 3: Adios. VAL KILMER: I went
to a bad school. I went to a bad school. There were no books. Everyone got straight F’s. Everyone got straight F’s. Everyone got straight F’s. Everyone got straight F’s. Everyone got straight F’s. [CHANTING] VAL KILMER: The cafeteria food
was basically poison. Some of these teachers had metal
plates in their heads. And one teacher coughed
up a lung. But I realized I could
change the world. And if I could, I would. And I would make everything
the opposite of my school experience, and I have. [CHEERING] [PLAYING THE RECORDER] FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Wow,
that is beautiful. VAL KILMER: You’re beautiful. FEMALE SPEAKER 2: You’re
getting so much better at that. Sounds so nice. VAL KILMER: Thank you. And you’re perfect like
the fireflies. Did you see one tonight? FEMALE SPEAKER 2: No. VAL KILMER: Oh, it
was so great. Light up the world. [MAKING GUNSHOT NOISE] VAL KILMER: How many of you
have won the lottery? No one, because lottery
is code for moron. CROWD: [SHOUTING] Moron! VAL KILMER: If you are a person
that’s addicted to the lottery, then I want you to cut
off one of your fingers with a steak knife. I want you to put it
in a glass jar. I want you to put in a glass jar
and put it in your child’s bed at night next
to their head. [SOUND OF BABY CRYING] VAL KILMER: And when your kid
asks, why am I sleeping under a severed finger? You should say, it’s a reminder
of my great idiocy. The lottery is a scam. [CHEERING] VAL KILMER: How many of you
hate job interviews? How many of you hate
job interviews? Yeah, job interviews suck. Stare at the person next to
you in a job interviewer. Stare at him! Stare at him! When you go to a job interview,
wear loose pants. Wear loose pants. Do not wear velvet when you
go to a job interview. Velvet killed Elvis. CROWD: Velvet killed him! VAL KILMER: Velvet
killed Elvis. How many of you like safe sex? Safe sex can also be unusual
and glamorous and perfect. But velvet killed Elvis. Velvet killed Elvis. [YELPS] VAL KILMER: Sometimes it’s
all so beautiful. I don’t know what to
do with myself. You know what I mean? FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Yeah, Val,
I know what you mean. VAL KILMER: Who loves
hardcore? Suck it up, drain it down,
squeeze it out, push it until it floats out. Love is hardcore. Love is hardcore. Love is hardcore. Love is hardcore. CROWD CHANTING “LOVE
IS HARD CORE”] VAL KILMER: I’m a drill sergeant
to your heart. I’m a drill sergeant
to your heart. The oil is gold, and
it’s cotton candy. [CROWD CHANTING “COTTON
CANDY”] VAL KILMER: I have children. Do you have children? I had my first child born
in the hospital. I had a great doctor. He was from Syria. He’d been an army general. [MACHINE GUN NOISE] VAL KILMER: When he was
delivering the baby, he looked at, and he winked. He whispered in my ear,
this is easy as pie. Just have to deliver a baby
with the right tools. When I had my second child with
my ex-wife, I bought a swimming pool. I was determined to have
the baby myself, born in my back yard. When the baby shot out, I
realized I needed to cut the umbilical cord. I looked around. I noticed I didn’t have anything
to cut it with. That’s when my wife screamed
to me, “get the hedge clippers, the garden shears we
used to go cut flowers with. I cut the umbilical cord,
and it worked perfectly. That’s when I remembered that
the doctor told me anyone can deliver a baby if you’ve
got the right tools. Now, we’re are all babies. We’re not convicts
and outcasts. We’re newborns. We’re babies. It’s time for you to find
the right tools. You fly away now. You scrape off the afterbirth
and kick it into the fourth dimension! [CHEERING] [WATER SPLASHING NOISES] VAL KILMER: What is the fourth
dimension, you ask? It is simply Heaven on Earth. It is security. It is the land of the
more worries. It is enlightenment. It’s the beautiful
balance of light. It comes in circles and waves. Smells like chocolate. It floats through machine gun
fire and volcanic ash. It’s invincible and
utterly whole. [MACHINE GUN NOISE] VAL KILMER: If you listen to
what I say, then you will have each entered the fourth
dimension. You’ll know the great secrets. [CROWD CHANTING “AWESOME
SECRETS”] [MACHINE GUN FIRE] [GIRL LAUGHS] VAL KILMER: Breathe it in. Everybody got their
eyes closed. Here we go. Let’s get into the
fourth dimension. It’s light and fluffy. Breathe it in now. You’re no longer unemployed,
you kings and queens of the fourth dimension. I depend on you. You depend on me. The next generation of thinkers
and innovators, great minds of the hidden generations,
the do-gooders, pleasure providers, the Hell
destroyers who are going to find cures for every
awful disease. You’re going to reveal
perfection on Earth. Breathe it in. Smell the healing. Nice. Cotton candy. Cotton candy all
over the world. Now go out and get
you’re good. [LAUGHTER] [CROWD CHANTING] VAL KILMER: You! You, you, you, you, you,
you, you, you, you! Question. MALE SPEAKER 4: How can I
be more like you, Val? How can I be more
like you, Val? VAL KILMER: There are no
impossibilities, but I can’t help you with that. Let’s dance. Let’s dance. Let’s dance. Oh, now we’re the same person. We’re the same person. MALE SPEAKER 4: Yes, yes! Thank you, Val! Thank you. VAL KILMER: Yes. MALE SPEAKER 5: My wife and my
two kids and I don’t have a place to stay. I live in my van. VAL KILMER: You live in a van? MALE SPEAKER 5: Yeah. VAL KILMER: But at least
you’ve got a van. Woo! [CROWD CHEERING] VAL KILMER: I don’t
have a van. I don’t have a van. I’ve got a bicycle. I don’t have a van. I don’t have a van. Has it got tires? [BABY CRYING] MALE SPEAKER 5: Yes. VAL KILMER: You’re blessed. MALE SPEAKER 5: How do I
find a girlfriend, Val? VAL KILMER: Are you
kidding me? MALE SPEAKER 5: I can’t
find a girlfriend. VAL KILMER: You stand outside. [COW NOISE] VAL KILMER: You’ll find one. Not now. Not now, madcap. Woo, thank you very much! You’re beautiful! [CROWD CHEERING] VAL KILMER: Woo! Woo! Woo! [CROWD CHEERING] [CROWD CHANTING “COTTON
CANDY”] VAL KILMER: Welcome to the
Lotus Community Center. Welcome to the Lotus
Community Center. Welcome to the Lotus
Community Center. Welcome to Lotus Community
killed Elvis. But mentally, raise your
hand if you’re a fatty. I’ll take a vibe jack. [MUSIC PLAYING]

22 thoughts on “The Fourth Dimension

  1. bhosdike madarchodo kon hai ye salay jo aisi movie bnatay hai SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

  2. A wast of £20 it must have cost to make

  3. Liked the redhead and the blonde

  4. What da hell am I watcing?? I dont get it, but I cant stop watching…

  5. -How do I find a girlfriend?. "U go stand out side", (going outside). "Not now mad cap!"

  6. Kotton kandy life

  7. the first two where pure gold. The 3rd one was a major let down.


  9. is he doing sam kinison?

  10. Россию с первого кадра узнал

  11. This is straight up mother fucking cultural appropriation and im fucking SICK of it!

  12. oh yeah, i already saw this is some previous life, probably while i was on another dimension, while searching for unknown val kilmer flicks. how bizarre. anybody know the name or artist of that opening song by any slim chance????

  13. "I was born in a tin shack… Actually I was born in several tin shacks!"

  14. Val Kilmer would have been Moondog in Harms newest movie if not for his unfortunate voice issue, which really is awful.

  15. excellent

  16. 25:26 was my brother Joey.

  17. Harmony and Val is a match made in Heaven, or should I say… the fourth dimension

  18. 15:50 it's a bit slow for me, does it pick up at all?

  19. im in the 8th minute of this video and im 1 more minute away from shouting NEEEXT!!!

  20. thank you

  21. 26:47

  22. I got to 16:12 …ego, inner child, guru then quit.

  23. I seriously can't help but feel he's channeling Morrison if he had lived long enough to see this world

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